With Valentine’s Day approaching, the weight of divorce or separation will be felt heavily in many homes. Interiors therapist Suzanne Roynon, a UK expert in decluttering homes and lives, offers some advice for those looking to recover from a mid-life relationship split.
No one gets married or even sets up home with someone they intend to leave. Merging two lives into one treasured home is a huge physical and emotional commitment, so when a marriage falls apart, maybe 30 years later, the impact is huge even without the involvement of children. There is just so much more shared history, memories and belongings than a brief relationship would have.
And it’s those memories and possessions which create problems for couples as they go their separate ways. The contents of the home anchor couples in the past, but it tends to have a greater hold on the more sentimental partner - often the woman. “Traditionally the guy travels light, taking the bare minimum with him. Before you know it, he’s lost 20kg, met someone special and is making plans for the future. Meanwhile the partner who kept the bulk of the possessions and likely the marital home, can’t seem to nurture a healthy new relationship or flourish as a divorcee.
The biggest challenge in moving on from a long relationship, especially as the “injured party” is to reinvent yourself as the individual you choose to be. There’s no value in feeling like a victim, it’s better to reveal the amazing, vibrant person waiting inside. It’s always going to be tough to accomplish a phoenix-like rebirth in your 50s or 60s if you’re sitting on the couch in the property you shared with your ex, surrounded by art and décor you chose together and decades of pictures, gifts, photo albums and more.
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I’ve lost count of the number of wedding dresses, Valentine’s cards, marital beds and memories I’ve found in the homes of unhappy divorcees desperate to start afresh. They are so much part of the home, they go unnoticed until someone detached looks around and says, “What’s that about?”
That’s when the resentment and bitterness come to the surface along with waves of sadness for the lost years and fear of a lonely future. It can be almost overwhelming, and that’s why people ask for help.
In my opinion it takes a gentle change in perspective to see everything with fresh eyes and identify possessions kept out of habit, fear, guilt, confusion or spite rather than because they are genuinely used, needed or loved. It’s so much more than decluttering and organizing – it’s about understanding how painful subconscious thoughts can be triggered by something as simple as a mug or photo. They tie a person in knots emotionally long after the divorce is finalised.
I recently worked with an actress whose life and career had stalled since her husband left four years ago. Although she reassured me she had got rid of everything connected to him, we found her wedding dress and photos from the big day crammed into a cupboard. In her home office she had divorce papers and endless photos of her husband. She was pushing him away with one hand whilst clinging tight with the other. She was a really quick study and had everything sorted and out of the house the same day.
Deep-cleaning a house after a separation is part of the healing process. Photo / Getty Images
She’s a changed woman now, glowing with health, vitality and had an immediate upturn in bookings. Now she wonders why she left it so long to reclaim her home for herself.
I believe in the ideal situation for the mental and emotional health of divorcing parties is to sell the family home and begin life again in a property with no connection to the ex-partner, but that’s not always possible.
I really feel for Kiwi couples going through divorce and separation since the changes to the Credit Contract and Consumer Finance Act (CCCFA) in December. It’s clear the amendments have already compromised divorcing couples who would previously have set up homes independently of one another. It’s going to cause unnecessary anguish at a time when consideration, dignity and self-respect can be in short supply.
When someone is tied to a marital property or has chosen to stay there, I suggest reviewing their personal possessions as a priority to clear anything unsupportive or which no longer serves them. You would be amazed at the amount of unused stuff most homes contain – much of which can be sold, gifted or donated to someone who will use it. Next, replace or upcycle furniture, housewares and décor as the budget permits and dispose of dried flowers and dying plants to create a refreshed inviting space where health, wealth and relationships can prosper on your terms.
Six Interiors Therapy tips to get you started:
1. Find anything you own which makes you think of your ex and if you can, part company with it straightaway. NB: Always dispose of your possessions in a sustainable way. Donate, gift or recycle rather than sending to landfill.
2. Change the marital bed, or if that’s impossible just now, replace the mattress and bed-linen so you can relax in your own environment.
3. Aim to ultimately declutter the whole house, but start in the bedroom. Ditch unwanted memories, clothes and anything which doesn’t represent the person you want to be.
4. Deep clean inside and behind cupboards and drawers; hidden dust will contain the DNA of your ex in the form of skin cells (euw!) The more dust, the more of “them” you are breathing in and sleeping with!
5. Fix anything which is broken or let it go. Keeping broken items around suggests you don’t value them or yourself sufficiently to fix them.
6. Identify the South West and West areas of your home. In Feng Shui they represent Relationships and New Beginnings. Refresh the space to represent the new, fabulous you, the ‘Glowed up’ version of yourself to erase their connection to the past.
- Suzanne Roynon is a UK-based interiors therapist and author of Welcome Home: How Stuff Makes or Breaks Your Relationship.
