In 1988, Canadian indie band Barenaked Ladies recorded their breakthrough hit If I Had a Million Dollars, a romantic song that promises a vast amount of gifts, including a house, fur coat and a monkey, if the singer had a million dollars. Three decades later, would the singer still be able to buy all the items on his list? It’s time to see if the numbers still stack up.
According to InflationTool.com, $1 million from 1988 is worth $2.063 million in 2020, and although fans will note that the song wasn't released until 1992, it was recorded in 1988, so the intention was to spend that $1 million at the time of recording.
So what could the Barenaked Ladies buy with $2 million? Let's go through the lyrics:
Start your property search
Well I'd buy you a house (I would buy you a house)
Sounds quite reasonable and a great place to start when a) wooing your love and b) investing. We’re going to assume for this article that the singer is going to move into the house with the recipient of this song. They may like to buy a reasonable three-bedroom on the outer suburbs of Auckland. Approximate cost: $1 million.
I'd buy you furniture for your house (maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
I mean, you’re going to need more than an ottoman for a house but maybe all we’re missing is one bit of furniture. Approximate cost: $2000
I'd buy you a k-car (a nice reliant automobile)
A k-car for those not in the know is *quick Google* a Chevy pickup truck. They don’t make them any more but an approximate equivalent is a reliable ute. Approximate cost: $50,000.
And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy your love
Now, how much is it to buy your love? Me, $18. That’s the cost of a Creme Brûlée at Boulcott St Bistro in Wellington. If you buy me one, you have my love... forever.
If I had a million dollars, I'd build a tree fort in our yard
Google tells me the average cost for a treehouse in the US is US$7700 and, hoo boy, that sounds like quite a treehouse! My guess is that the standard treehouse in New Zealand costs $31 worth of nails and four stolen wooden pallets. But with our million-dollar lifestyle, we shouldn’t skimp especially, as we’ll see shortly, it will need to have power (and probably an ottoman).
If I had a million dollars, you could help, it wouldn't be that hard
Wait, they’re building it themselves? $7700 is actually going to get quite a nice treehouse then!
If I had a million dollars maybe we could put a little tiny refrigerator in there somewhere
Treehouse now has to support the weight of multiple adults and have electricity for a tiny fridge. May require a mesh WiFi-expander for future-proofing and potentially council consent.
(Like open the fridge and stuff and, girl, there'd be foods laid out for us with little pre-wrapped sausages and things, hmm)
Annual costs for pre-wrapped sausage-esque food: $1000. Add another $400 for bacon.
This treehouse now needs the ability to cook in it and, I suspect, ventilation. We kind of blew the budget on the treehouse so we’re going to buy a nice BBQ. Approximate cost: $600
And we need a fridge, maybe a bar fridge. Approximate cost: $600
I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat, that's cruel)
The cost of a faux-fur coat - a nice one, but not real nice - would be $200.
Well I'd buy you an exotic pet (yep, like a llama or an emu)
I always thought he said a lamb which would have significantly reduced our costs in New Zealand. LlamaSeeker.com (yep, that’s a site) goes into quite good detail of why you’d choose a llama over an alpaca and it’s not just because the syllables work in with the cadence of your song. “Nice quality llamas can run between $1500-$5000”. Now is not the time to skimp on llama-quality so let’s put the cost at $5000, although I’m beginning to think our $1 million house in Auckland isn’t going to be sufficient for our lifestyle now.
Well I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (all them crazy elephant bones)
I mean, I literally have no way of estimating how much this might cost. We’re talking about bones that are over 130 years old and are absolutely not for sale so... $400,000?
And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy your love
$18, as above
If I had a million dollars, we wouldn't have to walk to the store. . . we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
It’s a well-known fact that a large percentage of lotto winners quickly return to their pre-win financial situation and taking a limousine to the store is probably one of those red flags you’d want to look out for. Still…
Price for a limousine for two hours is around $300. Assuming fortnightly shopping trips, total annual cost: $7800
We would eat Kraft dinner ... we'd just eat more
We don’t really have Kraft Dinner here in New Zealand but we do have pre-made Macaroni and Cheese packets. The cheapest seem to sit around $3 each. Assuming two people eating these three times a week which, let’s face it, is not just eating more, it’s eating more than you should. Weekly cost $18. Annual cost: $936
Some of the pre-made macaroni and cheese packets need some butter and milk to add to these but guess what! Total annual cost for milk and butter: free. #LlamaMilk
The fanciest dijon ketchups
Dijon ketchup never really caught on, despite the popularity of the song. But good, homemade ketchup will cost you $15 and should last a fortnight. Annual cost of homemade ketchup: $390
Well I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)
Assuming he means a green-coloured dress and not a dress made of moss, you could set your budget at $250.
Well I'd buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)
On the face of it, you may think we're out of the money for a Picasso but Time magazine posted an article talking about the cheaper Picasso that were were on the market in 2011 for around $265,000. They have more than likely doubled in value by now. I reckon you could commission Art Garfunkel to do you a nice small drawing for around $100,000 if you had the right connections.
Well I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?)
New Zealand Customs are not going to like this one. Anyway, a monkey typically costs between $4000 and $8000 depending on the rarity and breed. Frankly, I’m not willing to pay a dollar over $6000.
Also, my Google search history has some pretty interesting searches at this stage of the song. Good luck predicting what I’ll search for after “can a monkey milk a llama?”, Google! #CanMonkeysMilkLlamas
One thing to address is the ongoing care and feeding costs of a llama and a monkey.
If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your love
That’ll be another $18 buddy.
If I had a million dollars, I'd be rich
Well, let’s see about that. Total upfront cost comes to $1,572,204 and, if I’m being totally honest, you could skip the Elephant Man bones and the Garfunkel drawing and really trim that down. You then have annual costs (limousine and macaroni costs mainly) of $10,526.
The fact of the matter is though that adjusting for inflation, you could indeed make these wild promises and still come out with some change from $2 million!*
The singer has pulled a great psychological trick by promising a house in the first line and then subsequently promising things that could be purchased on a modest wage (bones and art notwithstanding).
* Always seek personalised professional advice before making large financial decisions that include, but are not limited to, regular limousine rides and the illegal purchase of monkeys. Neither the song or this article are intended as financial advice.
- Rupert Gough is the founder and CEO of Mortgage Lab and author of The Successful First Home Buyer.
